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2018.03.10 01:47 adultbooks91 Am I a monster?

Sorry for the long-ass post, but i needed to get this off my chest and also i think it's kind of an entertaining story.
i met this girl on facebook 4 years ago and we started talking, she lives like 1000 km away in another province. i don't exactly remember how this first conversations went but i remember that i always felt she was kinda rude and bitter, not very talkative and somehow annoying, but there was something in her personality that i liked, it was like she was a marginal, she was 18 or 19 and told me she hated everyone in school and she was kinda lonely and i also learned that she had some weight issues but not a big deal. I created this image of her being self-loathing and i wanted to be good for her. i felt she also had a great sense of humour and i always dig that.
she used to insult herself in a humurous way, like saying "i wanna eat ice cream because i'm a fat fuck". I found that hilarious and i kinda admired that she could deal with her complex having a sense of humour. But i started losing my respect for her, unconsciusly. I started developing feelings for her and i guess she was too, but we always had tension. she used to get annoyed and say "bye" in a rude way and stop talking to me, she gave me the cold shoulder hundreds of times for no reason. it was like one day we were sending loving texts and saying that we liked each other and the next day she just wouldn't talk to me, or if she talked to me she was very cold and rude, and that started to making me feel like shit. Also she never, ever, texted me first. She never asked me questions, and she didn't seem very into me asking her questions about her life either, although i learned some things about her: she told me her father is an asshole, because he never showed up when she was a child but i really don't know how it was exactly, she was like very enigmatic about everything, i really don't know who she is now that i'm thinking and writing.. i remember another time she talked about her father , she told me that her father said to her "i want a deegree from college this year" in a humorous way. so i don't know if her father is present now and he wasn't back then or whatever.. she has a conflictive relationship with him, and also with her mother and sister, she told me she doesn't like them. She also had a brother who died in a bike accident while going to score coke, so she hates cocaine.
I really don't know what is that i like so much about her, she is very cynical and has lots of dark humour, also very sarcastic, i thought i liked that kind of personality but she ended up breaking my heart somehow.
When we first started talking she was going through her last year of school and when she finished she left her home to live with a room-mate, a girl friend of hers. Now i wanna talk a little about my dark side, things that i never thought i would carry in my heart. when i learned she was leaving home to live with her friend i really didn't like that..somehow i felt jealous about her independence, (this is more about me than about her, i know it), i hated the fact that she was only 20 and she was living by herself in another town and i was 24 and living with my mother in a shithole town where almost everybody sucks. i hated the fact that she wasn't lonely after all, she was always doing things, going to the lake with her friends, friends that i don't know where they came from. She went on trips with them , no adults, just millenials in a car enjoying their youth.. i started to feel so resentful and ashamed of myself..it's not that my life sucks but i really don't know why i started thinking she had all her shit together so fast and i was such a loser.. i'm a musician, i play in bands, record music, go to weird places, i did trips with my friends too, but i can't help feeling lonely and needy. she was never needy with me, she never expressed that she needed me or wanted an emotional connection. It was like she just answered my texts and was kind of lovely sometimes but that's it. is that what they call breadcrumbing?
Keeping on with my dark side, now i have to be honest and tell the worst part of it. i started being verbally abusive with her, calling her a fat fuck like she used to say about herself when we firstmet, and that she was ugly, and her personality was shit, that she was passive agressive, i insulted and insulted her lots of times, she ended up blocking me on facebook (two years ago) but not on whatsapp.. i used to apologize and she "forgave" me but the cycle started again over and over. I texted her, she was lovely sometimes and then she was cold and rude for no reason..and then i got mad and insulted her, imagine, almost 3 years of doing that shit.. I feel like a monster, a pathetic needy little man who has to insult a woman to relieve his own frustrations... i hate myself , and i hate her because i think i can't even blame her.. I think the worst thing i said to her was when i told her "why don't you just dropdead like that asshole brother of yours?". i'm really not proud of that but i have to be honest because i want your sincere opinion.
Two years ago, when the summer was about to start, somehow we managed to be in good terms for a while and we planned to meet up, she was going to come to my province and we would go to a shelter somewhere and spend time together...it sounded like a sweet idea, but my inner rage and resentment made me want to punish her, so i told her that i didn't wanna see her, in an awful way. I don't remember what was her response, i think she didn't even answer and we stopped talking for like three weeks and then i reached her out and asked if she still wanted to meet and she said she had new plans, she was going to a trip to chile with a girl friend of hers...of course i felt like an asshole, i know i couldn't blame her and i stopped talking to her for a month or so. then i reached her out again and the whole thing started again for almost another two years. we never made plans to meet up again.
When i say she was rude it means that she always gave very short answers, never showed interest on my projects or my life, she used to make fun of my feelings, she even called me drama queen one time. She never had the time to talk about any of this, it was always a bad time for her, she was always sarcastic , i remember being almost in tears feeling like shit because she didn't answer my texts (asking her about an explanation, i don't know why i felt that i needed an explanation) and calling her on the phone just to find that she was laughing and saying things like "are you for real? this is not a big deal". i started to think lots of bad stuff about me, like am i crazy? Am i a monster? why do i do this?
I hate the fact that she never lost her cool, i remember her saying to me "bro, you made fun of my dead brother, lol, what are you expecting?". And she was all like "it doesn't mean nothing to me". I know this could be an act but i can tell you she knows her shit very well.
Anyway, last time we talked "seriously" she was kind of honest i guess and she told me this: "i'm not used to people expecting something from me, i know you like me and i like you too but i also know that we don't work well together, i don't know if i should put any effort in this. because it is like we are good one or two days and then we start fighting again. I love you , but i guess i don't love you in the way you want. it's not that i don't care about you, I am like this, I never text anyone, almost all the time i just read things on groups and that's it." (I remember old texts of us talking too and she told me that she "cried" lots of times for this, but it seemed so unreal to me). I read about people who are good at hiding their emotions but i guess i had never had a relationship with one. She also told me that when i started being verbally abusive with her she lost all the interest in me. I can understand that and i regret being that way but i also think she was too being abusive with me, and in a worse way. She also said that she doesn't know where are we going and what to do to make things good.
Now that i'm reading what she told me i find it curious that i still feel like i need and explanation or something, because now that i see it from this point of view what she told me is pretty self-explanatory..sigh.
After that "serious" talk, where she told me that and i expressed for the 3892 time that i wanted to feel that she cared about me, she texted me the next day saying hi but i didn't see it because i turned my phone off.. I felt depressed because that last conversation ended up with me saying that i wanted she to care about me and i didn't get response until the next day. when i saw it (the day after she texted me) i answered and we had a little small talk but with long pauses, like i asked her if she was into a band at 5 pm and she answered at 10 pm.. then i didn't talk to her until weekend, i sent a text on friday night and she was drunk and chatty, she even sent me a video of her playing with her cat in her bedroom and laughing, it was so cute. I loved her... but then i texted her the afternoon of saturday being jokey and asking if she had a big hangover and i got no respone. Then, in the afternoon of sunday i was staring at our chat window and seeing her online but not talking to me (a bad habit i do sometimes) and i called her without wanting, i pressed the wrong button on my phone lol and i stopped the call in 2 seconds. then she Answered me and she said "i'm good". I couldnt help but feel a burst of rage coming from inside and i told her "i'm sorry that call wasn't on purpose, I was here just watching how you are online but not talking to me and i touched the wrong button". Her answer was this face :/ . I kept on following my impulses and said : "i'm not falling in your game today, i'm turning my phone off, fuck you and all the people that makes me feel like shit". and i turned off the phone without even waiting for an answer. (she didn't answer anyway).
Two days later i turn my phone on (lol) and of course she didn't write any fucking thing to me, and the anger starts to fill me again, i start texting her and saying "why are you like this?" "why do you make me feel so shitty, how do you do it?" " i can't understand it". and she is like reading everything but not writing back. i keep on saying "i don't understand why we talk and talk and then you do the same thing over and over again, it's like you don't care or you are doing it on purpose, you make me send you 10 texts just for you answering two fucking words. I hate this.. can we stop having a relationship?".
When i said that she texted back and said "ok". Then i proceeded to say: "alright, if you ever want to talk to me i'm fine with that and i will stop expecting anything from you". She answered "Ok, let's do that". Then i said "Ok, i have nothing else to say." and she never answered again.
Anyway, what do you think about this? am i an asshole? is she? both of us? by the way i'm on day 10 of Nc and although i think a lot about her, it's not so difficult to avoid texting her. Don't be afraid of calling me a narcissist or even a fucking psycho, i just want your sincere opinion. Also what do you think about my english? I'm from Argentina and it's not my first languaje. Cheers.
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